ISSUE 08-26

Pretentious Rock Star Poses, #5



Hey there, it's Arcade Fire. We were too hot to touch a couple of years back, remember? We were so huge we could get back stage passes to a Leonard Cohen concert! Without even asking! Hell yeah! Now, times are little tougher, because during a frenzied mash-up of Red Bulls and vodka, hash brownies, and Wii bowling, we ganged up on our singer and sort of accidentally partly on purpose killed him. Yes, that’s him on the floor, dead. Bashed his skull in with a MuchMusic People’s Choice Award. Not ours, obviously. We stole it from Nickelback. Look for Chad Kroeger to be serving out a manslaughter plea, later this year.

This is how you serve 14 years to life in the pen / This is how you serve hard time...


No news is fan-f*cking-tastic news

The Winnipeg Free Press staffers went on strike over two weeks ago. Nobody noticed, or cared, or even felt deprived of local news. Now more than ever, it is apparent that nothing happens in Winnipeg. At least, nothing we truly need to be told about. Sort of like if the parents go away, and you have a party and put a small scratch in the coffee table. Nope, not worth reporting on.


As the strike enters Week Three, FP columnist Gordon Sinclair
gets desperate for cash

Somehow, the whole staff bargained together. The journalists earn a measly $70,000 to $90,000 per year, while their carrier brethren rake in about $15,000.

There must have been lots of arm-locking and chants of “Solidarity, forever!”, on that picket line. While the writers wondered where their next meal was coming from, the carriers wondered if they would really have had to scalp their season tickets for the ‘theatah’ and the symphony.

Lindor Reynolds, the incurious hack of a columnist who allegedly pulls in over 100K annually, noted on the strikers’ website that she tightened her purse strings, not just during the strike, but for the long run. After all, a six-figure income (plus her spouse's) barely covers a grocery bill for a family of four, especially if you do all of your shopping at Stephen & Andrews.


Lindor pours her ‘column juice’

Lushy Lindor is dead serious too, as she even plans to cut her wine consumption to just three or four bottles per week. Please note she broke her pelvis while riding a Segway. It was never mentioned that alcohol was a factor, but c’mon... it was a Segway, travelling two kilometers per hour. I hope the grocery stores and pharmacies were on the lookout for a fifty-ish redhead trying to shoplift mouthwash from their shelves.


Co-winky-dink???

The proposed Canadian Human Rights Museum...


...and a WWI German Army helmet.


Thanks for the idea, Joey reader Todd!


Windows™ On Words…

girls 'n boys

Let's start with a gratuitous photo of the beguiling, ethereal, identical Watson twins, who as you can see, are all grownsed up! These ladies are the real deal too, as they have more talent in their little fingers than the Pussycats Dolls have in their whole pre-fab group. It's merely incidental, the dazzling beauty. As you know, I'm all about the steak, and I could not care less about the sizzle. Heck, some of my best friends are women, you know? Now, where in the heck was I? Oh yeah, not that they need a plug from me, but pick up their debut CD at your nearest alternative music store, and get the Jenny Lewis solo disc that includes the twins' beautiful melodies in the background. Or, like me, just keep this picture under your pillow. Great googly-moogly, I sure likes me the identical twins (\close skeevy old man rant)...

Some songs in my library with “girl” in the title…

Little Girls Pointing and Laughing - alexisonfire
The Wrong Girl – Belle and Sebastian
That Girl Suicide – The Brian Jonestown Massacre
This Year’s Girl – Elvis Costello and the Attractions
Little Girl Blue – Diana Krall
Girls of Wild Strawberries – Guided By Voices
Yard Of Blonde Girls – Jeff Buckley
Drunk and Hot Girls – Kanye West
Modern Girl – Sleater-Kinney
Girl Gone Bad – Van Halen


Some songs in my library with “boy” in the title…

I Want To Be The Boy To Warm Your Heart – The White Stripes
Boy Inside The Man – Tom Cochrane and Red Rider
A Boy and His Machine – Matthew Good Band
A Boy Named Sue - Johnny Cash
The Boy Who Wouldn't Hoe Corn – Alison Krauss and Union Station
Pony Boy - Bruce Springsteen
Post-Paint Boy – Stephen Malkmus
Big Boys - Elvis Costello and the Attractions
Catholic Boy – Jim Carroll
White Collar Boy - Belle and Sebastian
Cheer Up Boys (Your Make-up Is Running) – Foo Fighters


Candidates moving in different directions…

The maverick hockey mom's last meaningful connection with voters…

(source: someguywithawebsite.com)

Win or lose, Obama’s first post-election ad…

(source: NYCbikesnob.com)


Pickets Progress

It’s over… pretty much.

We finally received a bill from the Judgmentalsons, delivered on a real invoice, if you can believe it, and by now, I assume you can. The cost of the fence was calculated to the very penny, with every nail, piece of wood, and malicious thought accounted for.


Mrs. J, you don’t need a woodchipper to get rid of the old fence…
Oh gawd, that’s not wood!

The payment was sent, and now it’s… over, but for a few wood cuts here and there, and a coat of stain. So too is our dysfunctional relationship with the J's. How I shall miss Todd’s passive-aggressive tendencies, and Bitchelle's high-strung yelps of ignorance. And what of their struggles with fertility? What if… what if they never do have a child?

More importantly, what if I never find someone else… to be irked by? What happens to me? I feel so underwhelmed, here in the aftermath. Maybe I'll pick a fight with the 85-year-old lady that lives a few houses away. I don't think she's raked her leaves yet, and autumn is halfway done. Oh, you're housebound and reliant on home care? Suck it up, granny! We've got property values to maintain!


LOLcat of the week...




Melissa Gilbert’s Surgically Enhanced Rack Predicts the US Election Results!




Since Melissa Gilbert’s surgically enhanced rack damn near nailed the outcome of the Canadian election, let’s get it to cast its, uh... saline toward the election down south…

House of Representatives (over/under 10)
Democrat - 238
Republican – 197

Senate (over/under 2)**
Democrat – 54
Republican – 46

President (Electoral College votes, over/under 10)
Obama(D) - 347
McCain(R) – 193

**Melissa Gilbert’s surgically-enhanced left breast remains convinced that one Independent will be elected to the Senate. This does not affect the over/under.


And finally!
This picture begs for a caption...